Sexolve 308: ‘I Love My Dad’s Best Friend, My Boyfriend Doesn’t Get Angry'

Sexolve is Equal Rights Activist Harish Iyer's weekly column on love, sex, and relationships.

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

‘I Love My Dad’s Best Friend. My Boyfriend Doesn’t Get Angry'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28 year old man. I have been gay from ever since I know what sexuality or sex meant. I have been living a happy life with my boyfriend of 3 years. We live together and our families know and approve and appreciate the presence of each other in my life. Maybe all the kindness that life has bestowed upon me was not good enough, I went out to seek pleasures. My boyfriend was still okay with it. He stayed loyal with me while I couldn't deal with my libido. I started drifting from my boyfriend all the time. I didn't stay on. And when my dad introduced me to his friend, who secretly was gay, in the next 2 months, I ended up sucking his c!@k. My boyfriend still put up with me when I broke this secret to him. But I moved too far, I moved to make a space for my dad's friend, who I call uncle, in my heart.

My boyfriend accepts me still. He tells me that he is willing to put up with me and hopes that I will someday everything will be alright. I get really really upset thinking about his endurance. How can he bear everything.

His patience kills me. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel sick in my throat everytime I see him endure everything with a smile and I end up fighting with him.

I end up blocking him sometimes. I end up sometimes snapping at him. He keeps patient and keeps loving me which kills me. I dont know what to do. I love him so much… but what should I do?

Lover Boi

Dear Lover Boi,

Thank you so much for writing to me and for daring to be vulnerable with me.

Vulnerability is strength. Acceptance of your truths is strength. To understand that you have lost your way, is the path to finding the right way.

I am glad and really happy that you have an accepting family. It is not so common that one finds a family that is so accepting of their sexuality. I know this because I speak to several people here are even in person who have been subject to trauma by their own birth families.

I am also glad that your chosen family, your boyfriend, is standing with you, in thick and thin. It is rare, but should be common - this love, this acceptance.

Have you tried asking yourself - why do I meander? Why do I walk into spaces looking for love, when I am blessed with love. What do I seek? Is it momentary pleasure? Is it love? Is itcompassion?

Or is it freedom without any compulsion of loving back? Are you trying to match the love thatyour boyfriend has for you, and feel that you are falling short everytime?

Maybe it is time to remind yourself that love is not an olympic sport. You don't need to compete with those who love you.

There is nothing to match. You just love those who love you, in your own intensity, in your own pace, in your own way.

Ask yourself, do you love your boyfriend. Ask yourself, do you love him enough to want to work towards his happiness. Ask yourself, do you want your boyfriend in your life.

Your boyfriend is kind and understanding. He doesnt deserve to be treated badly for his kindness and his endurance. The onus is on you, to understand him, to assure him, to love him, to be there with him. Also, ask him what he wants. It may get too late. Every rubberband has a stretching point beyond which it breaks. Dont put his endurance to test. Speak to him. Ask him what he wants from the relationship too.

A relationship will call for some adjustments and modifications in our life to give each other the space they desire and deserve. I can see him making space for you in his life to come back and leave as and when you want - what is the space you are making for him in your life?

As far as the relationship with your father's best friend goes. If your boyfriend has agreed to it.

Speak to him and speak to your father's best friend and see what is the amicable position you can take. If you want this to be a triangular relationship, ask both of them if they consent to it.

Also realise that if they consent to it - consent once given, if withdrawn, will leave all three devastated. Let them be aware of all that.

Your life is worthy of being celebrated. Let's not lose the momentum of life in fringe moments of deviation.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Love you

‘I Am a Single 72-Year-old'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 72 year-old-man. I am single and I have had numerous affairs. I have a huge bank balance and can look after myself. However, I am always being prodded by my relatives to get married so that someone could look after me. I am now 72. I dont like this prodding anymore. Also, there have been several people who think my single status is because I am gay. I am not gay so I hate when they say such horrible things. What should I do ?

Young-at-Heart

Dear Young-at-Heart,

Thank you for writing to me.

You are indeed only as old as your heart and mind tells you you are.

It is not uncommon, in the Indian context, for relatives to prod us to get married because we are getting old and 'have no one to look after us'.

The idea that older people could be independent by themselves in a nation which prides itself on the values of the younger generation looking after the older one seems like a revolutionary idea.

I personally think it shouldnt be revolutionary to stand up and take care of yourself… it should rather be the norm. You dont have to be something to please anybody. You just have to be yourself.

The default presumption for any single person who is 50+ is not that the person is gay.

I would urge you to acknowledge that the "concern" however irritating, doesnt come from a bad place. So, maybe, without getting agitated, you should sit down with your family and friends, and explain that you are content being single. Tell them, that you are investing in daily health regime. Help them understand that you have facilities to take care of yourself.

Anyways, what is the guarantee that you get into a relationship with someone and everything will be alright from then onwards. Your partner in marriage is not a caretaker. Thats one of the many roles that we play in love. You can anyways get the service of a nurse if you really need someone to take care of you.

This is something that your relatives who prod you to marry just so that someone takes care of you, should know.

Things will get better, if you explain and put your foot down. Patience is key though.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. On a side note, being gay is not a horrible thing but the presumption of anyone's sexuality is…

'I Have Seen a Dismantled Penis'

Dear RainbowMan,

I have seen a penis that a woman wears and f!@ks her husband in the a!#. Is it real?

Curious Babe

Dear Curious Babe,

Thank you for writing in.

The thing you are refering to may be a dildo and a strap-on. You may want to google these words and see if this is what you are speaking about.

When you google you may find sites that sell them too.

Good luck

RainbowMan

P.S. Yes, it is real.