Sexolve 306: 'I'm a Commercial Escort and My Boyfriend Wants Me To Stop'

Sexolve 306 | Equal rights activist Harish Iyer gives love, sex, and relationship advice in his weekly column.

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

'I Am a Commercial Escort'

Dear RainbowMan,

I wanted to share something with you. It is deeply personal. My life is a regular bollywood film. Hail from a small city, live in a big city, family poor and everything else that could be a part of any masala hindi film.

I am holding on a secret for too long now. And there is a time that I need to let it out. Please listen to me. I don't want to be judged. I am a well-educated 27-year-old woman. I did my masters from a reputed university and have taken up assignments of teaching too.

I was, and am, a bright student - always done the best in my grades. However there comes a time in life when what you get is too less than what you want. I wanted more of life, I needed to pay bills and also shoulder responsibilities of my family.

One day, I was told by a friend that he is willing to pay to have sex with me. He mentioned it as a joke. I was thrilled by the idea. I ended up in bed with him and got him to pay for the hotel and trip to Goa.

This happened two times more. And then he referred me to his friends. And once we had two men and me. It became a kind of business for me. I ended up having sex for money.

Now I am an established commercial escort. I go with big businessmen on leisure trips. Everything is working quite well, just that there is one challenge.

I don't think what I am doing is wrong. I don't think this is immoral. I don't think that this is not “work”. This is a profession of choice. I chose this work. I find it lucrative. I don't want to give this up.

I have a boyfriend now, who wants me to stop all this. He wants to “rescue” me. I am no damsel in distress that needs to be rescued. I love him. I want to be with him. However, I want him to accept me as I am. How do I do this?

Shining Lights

Dear Shining Lights,

Thank you for writing in and for sharing something so deeply personal with me.

Your life and your experiences and your choices are yours alone. It is you who is living this life. It is you who should have the right to dictate all the choices for the same.

There will be opinions and opinions, from family and friends and onlookers and lovers. It is their mouth they can say what they want. It is their mind, they can process the information about your life the way they want. Again, it is your choice to do what you want with their opinions and their presence in your life.

You are the god of your life. You are the architect of your thoughts.

Given all the news and films on how women take to commercial sex work in an absolute act of desparation or when they are forced into it, it is not suprising that your lover feels similarly. Personally I do not see anything wrong with sex work or escort services. And seriously, as long as it is between adults and with absolute consent at every stage, everyone can have an opinion, but no one has the right to decide how you should feel about it.

You don't owe an explanation to anyone. However, when we love people, we tend to be concerned about their opinions about us.

You need to speak to your boyfriend. Talk to him. Be absolutely clear and dare to be vulnerable with him. Don't assume that he would know how you feel about a certain situation. Explain it to him in intricate detail.

Explain your emotions and the reason for your decision to continue in a profession of your choice.

Vulnerability is strength, not weakness.

Also understand that your boyfriend is his own person too. He will decide for himself what he wants to do with the information you shared with him. He may choose to accept it. He may choose to reject the idea or accept the idea of your profession. He may be repulsed too. Be open for all possibilities.

Understand that you have the right to live your life on your terms. Whether you adapt or adopt another thought is completely your choice.

I believe sex work is work. It is your body and it is your choice how you use it. You also choose for yourself how much adjustment you are willing to make to accommodate other important people in your life.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. It is your choice.Dear RainbowMan,

‘I’m 65 and My 40 Year Old Boyfriend Broke up With Me'

I am a 65-year-old gay man. I have had a boyfriend for 5 years. He is much younger to me. He broke up with me when he found someone else. He is 25 years younger than me.

I am wondering what is happening with me. My friends warned me about dating someone so young. I dated and now I am alone. I don't know what to do.

Old Wine

Dear Old Wine,

Thank you for writing to me.

Love is ageless. Age has nothing to do with love.

One could fall in love with someone who is much younger than them. It is their choice. One could fall in love with someone who is much older than them, it is again their choice. It should only matter to the two people in love.

I have seen relationships between people of the same age ending up in marriage or a commitment ceremony. That gets spoken about.

I have also seen people who are of the same age have multiple break ups within their age group. But that doesnt get the media attention that the love does. So we assume everything is hunky dory when the age criterion is within a certain bracket.

How you define the relationship between yourself and your partner again is your choice. When things break up we tend to look for reasons for it to break up. Sometimes we attribute it all to one or two reasons. We articulate it that way.

But sometimes maybe, it is good to accept the fact that it has ended. Sometimes, maybe, it is good to stop our excavation plans to dig old graves and find out the real reason for a breakup.

Maybe you don't need to find the real reason, but simply accept that the season of love has ended.

And you will find love when you will find love within yourself for yourself. People at 80 have found love too. People at 70 have been happily single too. Fall in love with yourself. It is a lifetime commitment.

Queer hugs

RainbowMan

P.S. It cant be manufactured, it happens. That’s what love is. That’s how love is.

‘My Dog Is Gay. Is This Normal?'

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a dog who is gay. I saw him humping another male dog, Is this normal.

Dear Doggie-do

Thank you for writing in and for your concern about your dogs sexuality.

Homosexual and homo-erotic behavioir is found in hundreds of mamalian species including dogs. There is no test to determine if the animal is queer. There is no test to determine if women or men are queer either.

It is absolutely normal for a dog humping another dog. It may be desperation, sexual appetite, or just pure love.

Smiles

Rainbowman

P.S. Love your dog anyway. Gay straight or bi.