Sexolve 309: 'I Want to Change the Relationship Dynamics'

Sexolve 309 | Equal rights activist Harish Iyer gives love, sex, and relationship advice in his weekly column

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

‘I Want to Change the Relationship Dynamics'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old man in love with a 28-year-old woman.

We have been in love and together through thick and thin for the past 10 years.

We hit adulthood together and are totally in love. As we proceeded, we began experimenting with other men and women. Sometimes in orgies, sometimes threesomes.

I identify as straight, but I am quite happy to play along with anything. I like the exploration. She identifies as bisexual. She has sometimes shown fondness for one person more than the others. She has had a free hand to go out with whoever she wants.

I have given her the permission always to do that.

I on the other hand have had enough of these explorations. I now want to settle.

I allowed her to go out with this one girl, and she has fallen head over heels in love with her. She is being looked after by this girlfriend of hers and she loves it and loves her.

She has had such liaisons with other men and women before, I allowed her and then I had to come to pull her back inside our relationship.

Now with this woman the relationship is very deep. They are spending time together on the phone more than normal. It is another thing that I cannot spend that kind of time with my her, and that woman is filling that gap.

How do I make that girlfriend gone from my girl’s life?

I want her just gone so that my girlfriend and I are able to live together happily.

Lost Boy

Dear Boy,

Thank you for writing in and for trusting me with your heart’s deepest desires and fears.

Let me try putting this in terms of consent.

You consented to an open relationship.

Your partner and you discussed before she got into relationships with other people and both of you consented to it.

So nothing happened without the full and conscious consent of both of you.

You never know how far you can go, till you go far.

When we get into multiple relationships, we need to be open about the fact that every human who comes in contact with us, has the potential to add something to our lives.

In polyamourous relationships, where people can rise in love with more than one person, it is quite common that some people in the polyamourous relationship get closer.

They may not be a threat to the principal relationship that you and she share, but it may lead to human emotions like anger and jealousy.

It is important for you to acknowledge that this is a part of the agreement that you once had agreed upon but now feel differently.

I also read that you have felt like this before where you have expressed yourself and got your partner to leave those relationships for a life with you.

Maybe it is time to ask yourself, “Am I remote controlling my girlfriend’s life”.

Because that is the impression I am getting.

You agree to her being in relationships with others, but then you pull her back.

I can only imagine that it makes her feel confused and the lovers she has made would also feel cheated by her, even if she told them that you were her priority.

She has grown over the years, and so have you. And you have grown together and independently too.

Maybe it is time for you both to take a pause to reflect, recalibrate when you renew your rules of engagement in this relationship.

At any and every given moment please remember to ensure that both of you have the space to put forth your truest desires.

Let it be a conversation and not an emotional threat to cancel the relationship.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. If you love something, set it free.

‘My Mother Has an Affair'

Dear RainbowMan,

My mother has an affair with my father’s best friend.

I feel horrible to know this. I have seen my mother as the best example of love and now I see her cheating.

I wonder why she does this to me and to us. And most importantly why she does she do this to my father?

I feel so bad and so angry every time.

I saw her speaking to the guy friend of my father and asked her and she told me all the details about their relationship.

She said “I would have told you at an appropriate time, but you asked before so telling you now”. I feel my mother is divorcing my father.

I wonder why. I was shell shocked and didnt ask her anything more. She is worried that I am not speaking. My father is in kuwait. Should I tell him?

Lost Son

Dear Son,
Thank you for writing in.

We can only govern our hearts, not the hearts of others.

Your mother is her own being. She has a beating heart and she can decide to give it to anyone she loves. She could have hidden the affair, but when you asked her she told you the truth. She seems to be a person who values honesty.

We should give our loved ones the dignity of a conversation. Talk to her.

Your mom may have her own story to share with you.

Her romantic endeavours are her romantic endeavours. You can't govern them. No one else can.

First have a word with your mother.

Don't accuse her or call her a cheat.

Ask her, be her friend, be a patient listener.

And once she pours her heart out to you, you may discuss with her what the next course of action should be. I would suggest that you discuss with her first before you share with someone else or your father.

Good luck with the conversation.

Hugs

RainbowMan

P.s. Please dont hesitate to go to a mental health professional

'Is Circumcision Mandatory For Sex?'

Dear RainbowMan,

Is circumcision mandatory for sex? Will I not be able to have babies if I don't circumcise my penis?

Trouble

Dear Trouble

Thank you for writing in.

Circumcision is not mandatory for having sex or reproduction.

As long as your sperms can travel quickly out of your penis into a female body and mingle with the egg there, and all other conditions are favourable, you have the possibility of reproduction.

Of course, you may want to consult with a doctor, who could examine if you necessarily need a circumcision.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. I am not circumcised. Many are not. And many of them have children.