Sexolve 290: ‘I Am a Poly and My Boyfriends Don’t Know'

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

I Am a Poly and My Boyfriends Don't Know

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29-year-old woman who is a poly. I am in love with two men and both the men are in love with me too. I met my man A when I was 16 and we have been friends ever since.

We both have been living together since the past 5 years. When I was 19 I met my man B who has been loving. I engage in sex with both the people and there have been occasions when I have engaged with other men and women.

The problem is that both the men in my life that I love don't know that I am poly. They don't know that I love having relationships of love and sex with many people and not just one. I like to feel my body deserves more than what just one man has on offer.

And the fact that my boyfriends don't know that I love this is making me scared. It is not sex, it is love. I love more than one person at a time. I love more and make love to more. But these two are like two eyes and two ears to me.

I don't know when and where my boyfriends may know this and then they would throw me out like a piece of absolute sh*t. I don't want that for myself.

I want to be loved but I don't know if they would like what I like doing. They may call it cheating. They may want to be away from me and maybe there will be a breakup.

I can't deal with a break up. I don't want to deal with a break up. I can't not be poly because I am poly. I don't know if I am making sense at all… but I hope you get where I am coming from.

I am not bad and I am not a sl*t. I don't know how to make people understand but I do hope you understand. Please advice what I should do?

Confused Girl

Dear Girl,

Thank you so much for writing in. I understand that it sometimes takes a mountain of courage to speak up about what we feel so deeply. Thank you for your trust.

Love is strange. It happens to us when we least expect and it strikes us like lightning, before sweeping us off our feet. Life is never the same again after we have been in love.

I know this time might be confusing, but don't let your mind tell you that loving many is wrong or bad.

Just because it doesn't fit into the popular definition of love it does not mean that it is not love. It is love when you call it love. The perception of the world be damned.

Love deserves commitment. To have the ability to love more than one at a given time is a gift. I know love deserves time and effort and you have given it all, But most of all, love deserves honesty.

One can't predict how your lovers would react but it would be wonderful if they are kept in the loop. It will save you the guilt and they will be more aware about their loved one.

Polyamoury is not cheating. Ethical polyamoury is when the partners know about what they are getting into.

To be blinded of reality, in an association of love is a defeating feeling. I don't want your partners to feel defeated by love, I want them to feel overwhelmed and blessed with love.

Gift them the power of your truth. You love them. Let them know you completely.

I know you fear the worst possible outcome. You assume that they all will leave you, call you names, feel insulted.

Perhaps they will feel all of this. But just because we fear that our partners would leave us. We cannot assume that they should not know.

Please take care of yourself while facing the truth. Please visit a poly affirmative counsellor who could help you with what might seem as a bumpy road ahead.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. love deserves truth. Truth deserves love.

I Don't Like Heteronormative Things, My Boyfriend Does

Dear RainbowMan

I am a man in love with a man. He is loving and caring and all that. but he wants a heteronormative thing. I am not for heteronormative things. I don't want to marry and stuff.

I don't want aunts and uncles in my love life. I don't want daffodils and wedding with festoons and streamers. I just want to be in love, have sex, come home to him. Why cant I just have that.

I even remember you had put up a matrimonial advertisement some years ago, so you may not understand, but I feel like sharing with you. What should I do?

NotSoHetero

Dear NotSoHetero,

Thank you for writing in with your query. I am happy to read that you have found someone you care for and love so dearly.

Love is abundant, but also it is rare to find someone who loves us back as intently as we do. So first, let me begin by congratulating you.

How you define your love is up to you. How do you wish to live with your loved one is up to you. But the same is true for your lover too.

Your lover and you are two different people. You both are different and distinct. He has his thoughts, you have yours. And it's important to meet midway through.

Have a chat with him. It may seem very theoretical, but I urge you to do this. Understand from him what he wants from the relationship.

Draw out your needs, your wants and your never-will-dos. Ask him to list the said things too. And then together map out how much you both could extend yourselves to each other.

I don't believe most relationships are difficult. I do believe people could be difficult when they are too stuck on and hardwired, that they refuse to detangle themselves.

Yes I had a famous matrimonial gay advertisement. It was appreciated and bashed at the same time.

But when I fell in love, I was just in love. It didn't matter then if I had a wedding or a commitment ceremony or anything else.

I think when you are serious about the relationship with this person. Walk the bridge and meet him midway through it, I'd say.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Love conquers all

Testicular Cancer?

Dear RainbowMan,

How can I know if I have testicular cancer?

Worried Man

Dear Worried Man,

If you observe lumps in your testis, please visit a doctor for an examination.

If you are not sure if it is a lump or just normal, please visit a doctor for an examination.

If you are sure that you have a lump and it is cancer, still confirm this by visiting a doctor for an examination.

So the solution is - Please visit a doctor.

Regards

RainbowMan

P.S. Pls take care