Sexolve 289: 'My Husband Wants Me to Leave the Country'

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My Husband Wants Me to Leave the Country'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32 year old man from Chennai. I hail from a well to do family and am doing well for myself.

I have been in a long distance relationship since the past 2 years. Just in 2018 my husband and I got married in California.

My husband is an American Citizen. Our arrangement was that we will eventually come and settle in India.

However, things changed. The pandemic changed evertything. Nothing was the same.

I lost both my parents to the pandemic and my husband lost his parent too. Now we are both in two different countries and two different continents, and we are trying to build our lives apart, yet together.

Last month, my husband asked me if I would like to come to America instead. He wanted us to rethink our plans of him coming to India and settling here, and he would rather have me coming there.

He wanted to come to India and stay with me here because his parents also wanted to settle in India, and we thought that we both could live in three flats in a building that we identified and bought - one for my parents, one for his parents and one for us.

The pandemic changed everything.

It left me with lesser options and we had to chart our own journey with only his mother alive from the 4 parents.

The problem is that I am not sure anymore. I dont know if i want to settle in America with my husband.

I love my husband, I am fond of him and all that, but I cannot leave this country that has countless memories and anecdotes attached to it.

I haven't told him what I think about settling in America. I have only told him that I may not be interested in coming to America. He told me that he is willing to wait.

I am not sure what he is waiting for. Does he expect me to change my decision? I dont know. I am feeling guilty that I wish differently now.

Charu

Dear Charu,

Losing a parent is very painful. I wish you all the love and strength. Life sometimes takes us to places that we never imagined. I hope you have enough emotional wellness resources to tide through this new reality of your life. I am very sorry for your loss.

Life is always in a state of metamorphosis. With time and with experience, we all change. Impermanance is permanent.

What you wanted some years ago, you dont want now. And that is okay. It is however helpful if you and your husband always have an open channels of communication.

Please try and meet him in person. Sit next to him and share with him - what your dreams and desires are and how your plans and points of view have changed over the time.

Bring your plans. Bring his plans. And see where these two lines could intersect.

The decision about our future with our loved ones, should be taken with them as a part of the story. You may have a strong hunch about your priorities and so would he too.

You both deserve the dignity of a conversation before you both finally decide on your path forward.

Love is not stagnant. Love is a a stream, a flowing stream. It changes its course with time.

You both have your individual lives. You both have a life together too. And you both need to speak on how you could make this work and what adjustments you both would need to make in your plans to accomodate the other.

Do not hesitate speaking to a relationship counsellor if you wish to have a professional help you navigate through these life imapcting decisions.

Love

RainbowMan

P.S. wish you both lots of love.

'Erections Don't Fade Away'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 66 year old man and sometimes I suffer from erections that dont fade at all.

I am told that after a certrain age there will be no erection. This happens without erection.

I am having more after 60. Sometimes they last for 2 days and it never goes down.

What can I do. I am embarrassed to go to a doctor.

Big Man

Dear Big Man, Thank you for writing in.

Priapism is a condition where the penis is erect for a long time. Sometimes it happens even without sexual stimulation

This will need the attention of a doctor. Only a doctor can diagnose if this is something that needs medical attention. I would suggest that you see a urologist.

Issues like these should not be ignored.

Penis is like any other organ in your body. Let doctors examine, diagnise and treat you.

Please dont delay any further.

Good Luck

RainbowMan

P.S. Please book an appointment with your doctor. Please.

'I Have Assymetrical Breasts'

Dear RainbowMan,

What can i do to change the size of my breasts? They are assymentrical!

Girl

Dear Girl,

Thank you for writing in.

There are plastic surgery options and other options that your doctor could tell you more about. These are expensive and sometimes impermanent.

It is your body and it is your decision. I can only suggest that you weigh your options before you get any change made in your body.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. consider all options