Sexolve 279 : 'People Mistake Me for Being a Lesbian'

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'I am a Very Angry Person'

Dear RainbowMan ,

I was told by one of my close friends to write to you. He has been following your posts here regularly and is inspired. Pardon me if my English is haywire I am feeling very anxious.

I have a horrible emotion all the time. I want to fight my anger. But I am also conflicted, because I use anger for the right things. I have to also very strongly agree that I have anger issues.

I hit my friend when he said something that was offensive to women the other day.

He said something like “women should cover themselves else they will be raped”, I didn’t tell him anything…. I just lifted the chair and slammed it on his head. He had 4 stitches but went unconscious.

His family didn’t press any charges on me so I was saved. I was once told by my mother that I shouldn’t see someone because a that person is not a bad person, and I didn’t see any value in what she was saying… so one day I threw a steel plate on her that cut her hand, her palm I mean when she tried to cover her face.

I have also beaten up my teacher, my classmates when in school. I don’t know what I should do. I feel very angry all the time. Speaking to family/ relatives doesn’t help. I don’t know what to do. I am asking you. What should I do?

Angry Man

Dear Angry Young Man,

Thank you for writing to me.

The first step to a solution is to understand and acknowledge that there is a challenge that we need to seek a solution for. You have reached there.

Anger is an emotion. All emotions are valid. Imagine, anger as a wild animal. You don’t have to fight it. You cant possibly fight it. You have to befriend it, so that it is tame.

This taming would need some hard work though. If you are up for it – I wish you to get 5 minutes every day for yourself. Give yourself these 5 minutes to focus on your being. This is what I do everyday when I wake up, even before I use the loo or brush my teeth.

1. Fix your eyes on an object a little far away

like a bulb/ some design on your wall. Imagine how you noticed or missed the finer things in life in its intricate details. Say thank you for the sight – foresight and hindsight.

2. Give yourself a moment to feel your breathing. Experience every inhale and exhale of yourself.

All this while keep your eyes on the same object. Breathe in, breathe out.

3. Tell yourself 3 amazing scents that you can smell at the moment.

Acknowledge. Express gratitude

4. Tell yourself 2 lovely things you can feel physically.

Again, acknowledge. And express your gratitude for feeling what you feel.

5. Become aware of one sweet thing that you can hear.

Again, acknowledge. Try to hear more intently.

Close your eyes at this juncture and thank anyone and everyone you would want to for helping you in some way. After a minute, slowly, open your eyes.

Remember to go back to these 5 minutes at different phases of your life. Remember to feel the sounds that you heard in the morning.

The things you said. The things you touched. The things you smelled. Everything. Let it take you to that moment of bliss.

Ground yourself to these thoughts. It may take you time to reach there. But if you do this as an exercise everyday, you may reach faster.

On another note, have you wondered what makes you this angry? Is there something that you have left unattended?

A hurt, a complaint that you are nursing since long… you don’t need to tell me… you just need to be aware of this little detail and try and work towards a resolution.

For some, writing down helps… the idea of writing something down helps in putting things in physical form.

None of these however are an alternative to speaking to a mental health professional. Please ensure that you meet one.

A good mental health professional can help us see our thoughts clearly and help us understand our challenges better and find solutions.

They would possibly not be able to solve our problems for us, but can give us mental tools that we can use to excavate challenges and find appropriate solutions for ourselves.

I wish you love and peace.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Take the step… call the mental health professional.

'People Mistake Me for Being a Lesbian'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28 year old woman living with another woman since the past 3 years. We are not a lesbian couple, but she is lesbian and feels no shame in telling anyone that she is lesbian. I am straight. I get tagged as lesbian everytime I am with her. Everyone assumes that I am a lesbian too. I act along as if I don’t mind it. We are more like best friends and sisters actually. But I do. Should I tell her?

Les Behen

Dear Les behen,

Thank you for writing in.

I am sorry to hear that you are facing awkwardness about being misconstrued as a lesbian. But sometimes these experiences also help us develop a greater sense of oneness Lesbians face this everyday – they get misconstrued as heterosexual all the time.

Some are expected to “come out” all the time, despite the fact that they have throughout been out, just that they have been invisible and unseen all this while.

That’s where your heterosexuality is at this moment. The tables have turned here. But your feelings and expectations are not invalid. We all crave for being known for who we are, and not as what others want us to be and what others presume us. So, I get where you are coming from.

Communication eases relationships. Relationships that are good, thrive on honesty.

Tell your friend what you feel. Tell her that you don’t stand against homosexuality, but don’t like being perceived as someone you are not. Discuss with her on how you plan to tell everyone.

You cannot decide on how people will react to you. Some may still disbelieve that you or your truth.

But maybe the fact that the truth is spoken and spoken by you, will give you relief. Hopefully.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Gift your friend the gift of truth.

'Where Can I Buy Sex Toys and Lubes?'

Dear RainbowMan,

Please tell me where can I buy sex toys and lubes for gays in India.

Anon

Dear Anon,

It’s surprisingly not very difficult to find. Please google “sex toys India”. Also lubes etc are available online too in amazon. There are no gay lubes though. I don’t know if there are gay specific lubes and how will they be more special.

Have fun

RainbowMan

P.S. play safe.