Sexolve 302: 'I Am a Dom Woman and My Friends Don’t Understand'

Sexolve is Harish Iyer's weekly column on love, sex, and relationships.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'I Am Getting Married, and I am Anxious'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 36-year-old male. I don't know if I am gay but to be honest I am more attracted to men. But I do not have any partner or any physical relationship with any man.

I am the only son to my parents and I want to get married to a woman and lead a happy family life to be very honest. I do not admire myself to be or want to be gay.

Due to excess worry and anxiety about future my erections have reduced, my libido is literally zero, and even when I masturbate I don't feel pleasure.

Please tell me how to get my libido and sexual desire and pleasure back???? Also tell me I know it's impossible but there must be some way out that I can have normal erections and can have sex with a woman and lead a happy life. Please help and guide me.

RainbowMan, I'm really helpless. I'm worried. I don't have an alternative choice. I am getting married in August. I need help. I want my marriage to be successful.

Please help and guide me there must be some hope or way that I will be able to perform normal sex. Waiting for your reply.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for writing to me in detail.

We are often caught in the battle of figuring out ‘what we are’ and ‘what we want to be’ that we end up not letting our life to reveal itself.

Sexuality is not what we want, or what we dont want. It is what we are. And what we are, only we know. What I am, what my sexuality is- only I will know and no one else. So is the case with you.

I want you to breathe. I want you to live your life and live up to your dreams. I want you to be fruitful and successful in any relationship you enter. I cannot make an assumption about your sexuality. I can only urge you to visit a good psychotherapist to speak to before you plunge into the holy bliss of matrimony.

Maybe, the stress is only because you are overthinking, reevaluating.

You say that you are more attracted to men, does that mean that you are also attracted to women. Let me share something with you - I know of men who love men and women who are more attracted to women are living fruitful lives with their male partners. I also know of women who tell me that they are more attracted to women

than men, and live a “happily ever after” life. There are people with varied desires and sexualities who are able to craft their own successful relationship story.

However, the relationship you are about to enter with a woman, has her desires and aspirations that need to be taken into account too. It is right that you want to be cocksure before you get into a matrimonial relationship.

I will share something that works with me always. When I get anxious, I spend some time meditating. I don't run away from my thoughts. I sit silently in a place and allow all my thoughts to collate themselves. I breathe in and breathe out, patiently as I allow my body and mind to feel everything that is surrounding me - the wind, the sounds, the tension all around.

I allow this to happen till the fast flow of thoughts end and it settles in a slower pace. That’s when I try to align my thoughts and allow myself to visualise the best possible outcome.

It may not sound as simple as I write it here. We all need some external encouragement to dig deeper so that we are at peace with the confusion all around us. We all deserve to move from anxiety to clarity. I speak to my psycho therapist regularly, and that helps me regain my sanity. Maybe that will work with you too?

For you to know if you feel strongly about having sex with women, you need to first approach the issue with clarity and not anxiety. Give yourself the privilege of the services of a mental health professional to navigate through this phase.

Also understand that you may not achieve clarity in the first meeting, it sometimes takes time and will demand patience and consistency from you.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Dont delay your visit to a counsellor.

'I Am a Dom Woman and My Friends Don’t Understand'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old woman who believes in a life with S and M. I am a dom woman. I like beating and humiliating my husband. He loves being a sub. But I don't know why my friends don't understand. How do I make my friends understand that I am not abusing my husband, I am simply enjoying my kinks and so is he.

Woman-on-Top

Dear Woman-on-Top,

Thank you for writing to me.

What you shared with me is deeply personal. Thank you for trusting me with that.

S&M is enjoyable only and only if all the persons involved in the act have informed consent and every stage of the act. There is also an element of safety and kindness that should prevail over every fantasy in bed.

It also demands that all individuals in this act are mentally sane, mature and are not challenged by an emotional turmoil or a mental health challenge that makes them prone to want to feel humilated or hated for validation of their pain. I trust that all these checks and balances are in place before taking a plunge in S&M.

Also, this is deeply personal. Our fantasies are for us to explore. Others may not understand. Others need to understand.

While I see that you share things with your friends, and that we all do… to expect your friends to understand and validate your feelings when they have not had the experience of this relationship - is expecting too much.

Give yourself time off them. They dont need to be privy to everything, and they definitely need not assume the job of giving you the stamp of approval.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. close the bedroom door.

'Should I Tell My Fam That I Am a Crossdresser?'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a cross-dresser. I am 19. I am not transgender or gay. I just like dressing in women's clothes. I always buy clothes that are woman-like. I keep them hidden and wear it only when no one is around. Should I tell my family?

She-laa

Dear She-laa,

Thank you for writing in She-laa.

We all live several truths in this one life. Some in full glare of the public and loved ones. Some very privately. It is a choice we make after gauging every situation.
What’s the situation at home? Will your family be okay with you draping/wearing clothes that are designed keeping women in mind?

I personally think clothes should be ungendered. But maybe it is a good idea to acclimatise your family with these concepts before telling them.

It may be helpful if you could tell them only after you are independent financially and emotionally for braving every outcome.

Also be ready for all outcomes. Maybe they will understand. Maybe they wont.

Sharing your truths is your decision. Understanding and processing is their department.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. be yourself.