Sexolve 301: 'My Wife Is A Man Beater'

Sexolve 300 | In his weekly column, Harish Iyer offers advice on your love, sex and relationship queries.

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My Wife Is a Man Beater'

RainbowMan,

Listen, I don't know if you will believe me or even entertain this thought because all you feminists are just saying one thing all the time… but, you don't see the pain of men.

I am ashamed of your kind of people who just claim about being a supporter of equality but stand only for feminism.

I don't understand your kind of people. Because of people like you no one believes my story, because of people like you no one listens to my story with a straight face.

I get bullied if I tell people that I get beaten by my wife, who is 2 years elder than me. She beats me up to a pulp.

Even during sex, she ties me up and hits me really hard. She does things to my penis without my consent, I have bite marks all over my body. I feel ashamed to tell this to you, but I am not a strong person and my wife is a nymphomaniac.

Ours was a love marriage. I liked that she was aggressive, but of late, she has become worse. I am not liking this.

Once, when I threatened her that I want to move out of the marriage, she said that she will file for alimony and take all my money. So every night I end up being her slave. I know she has boyfriends too, I can't say anything to them or be anything with them.

I am horrified, disgusted and ashamed. I am foolish too, I am writing to someone who has created an atmosphere that doesn't stand for men like me. I am feeling horrible.

Angry Man

Dear Angry Man.

Thank you for writing in. I read every word that you uttered. I cannot claim to say that I can feel what you feel, but can definitely say that I have an inkling.

Thank you for expressing your heartfelt emotion. You and I don't know each other, and maybe that anonymity gives you the strength to express yourself.

You are right, I identify as a feminist. Feminism as a concept works towards equality. Hating men is not feminism. If one specifically identifies themselves as a man-hater , they are misandrists.

Patriarchy and violent behaviour can be exhibited by anybody, regardless of gender. Though statistically, one gender may show more propensity than the others, it is also true that non-cis-men genders could be harbouring such behaviour.

Alimony in divorce is there to correct the social wrongs that unfairly put women at risk. This act should not be deployed only after through investigation. Your wife threatening to use this as a bait to keep doing things to you is a violation of the law.

You and only you have complete right and autonomy of your body. If a woman was raped by her husband, we would have raised our voice, when a man is sexually assaulted by his wife, we should stand up then too.

That’s why I am going to tell you what I would have said if the tables had turned.

If you know for sure that this relationship at the moment, is full of violence and feeling of void, it is not a relationship, it is a situationship.

You have no relationship left. You have to get rid of this situation. I would very strongly recommend that you meet a divorce lawyer who would help you build a case for a peaceful exit from this situation with less or no harm to yourself.

Thanks for writing in, even if you were angry, the fact that you spoke up is your first step towards your freedom. You should be in a safe place soon.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. please fix up an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

'My Boyfriend Is Not Vegan, Can It Work?'

Dear RainbowMan,

My boyfriend of 9 years is not vegan. I began as non-vegetarian when we met up, and then the love for animals overtook both of us.

I grew up in these 9 years adopting veganism. He loved animals as much, but kept eating them.

Recently, he turned vegetarian, and is sensitive towards veganism and understands the concept, but is just vegetarian only.

He hasn't shifted to veganism. I have had many fights with him regarding this and wonder if this will work? I mean this relationship.

Vegan Babe

Dear Vegan Babe,

Thank you for writing in.

Let me share something personal.

As a person who adopted veganism and has sometimes not been very staunch at that, I get called off by my friends too. I would not ask how was the vegan dish cooked before it is served.

I would eat the gravy and leave the paneer away. These things sometimes disses my very close vegan friend Glen, who is very meticulous about the food he eats and the preparation methods being completely vegan.

I should admit, I sometimes feel very embarrassed that I am not what he is. He is my aspiration level. I may reach there someday, or maybe not.

The truth is that both, Glen and I are thick friends, despite our differences. The truth also is that we both are compassionate and feel strongly about animals and about the impact of our eating habits on the environment

But rather than calling each other names, we have given each other the space to grow in our own truths and at our own pace. We dont have to grow together, as much as we need to grow.

If veganism is a non-negotiable item in your list when it comes to your choice of life partner, tell him so. If you both have made some strides in the positive direction, as defined by you, tell him so.

We all grow by the power of our own awareness and our own understanding. Give your partner the time and space to grow into what he believes in.

Even if he grows into becoming a vegan, he may or may not be with the exact kind of passion and compassion that you have.

He is a different person. You are a different person. You both should not try to become one unified person. We all thrive in diversity. Allow diversity to thrive.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. We should have more vegan products in the market, naah? Maybe a vegan section in digital and offline stores?

'I Like to Dress in Women’s Clothes Sometimes, Am I Trans?'

Dear RainbowMan,

I love to dress as a woman in woman's clothes. I don't feel like changing my sex through operation. I feel like a man only all the time, I am sometimes wishing to wear women outfits. Am I transgender or a cross-dresser?

Main Kaun?

Dear Tum,

Thank you for writing in.

You are you. Tum tum ho.

You have an identity of your own. And what that identity is can be defined only by you and no one else.

Transgender are persons whose sex assigned at birth and self affirmed gender is different. i.e. People who are born with a penis at birth and identify as a woman. Or people whose are born with a vagina and identity as a man.

Cross-dressers are people who like to dress as the other populous gender. Men who dress in women’s outfit or women who dress in men's outfits.

It is for you to affirm what your gender is. Please accept no one else’s definition of your gender.

Love

RainbowMan

P.S. clothes should not be gendered naah? … well, that's another discussion.