Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As are here below:
‘My Boyfriend Uses Me Like a Trophy’
Dear RainbowMan,
I have been facing a lot of issues with my present boyfriend. He uses me like a trophy. I am practically introduced to all his friends. I am like a status symbol for him. However, when he loves me he loves me completely. So I am almost in a dilemma. Somehow, I have always loved him. This time he made a request that I don’t feel comfortable about. He has asked me to take care of his boss for a night. I didn’t understand what he meant and asked him, and he spelt it out to me that he wants me to make his boss happy by flirting with him. “It is just flirting, don’t sleep if you don’t want to, but if you do, I will not get angry with you”. No, I don’t want to sleep with anyone, I don’t want to entertain anyone. But I don’t want to lose my boyfriend also. I don’t want anyone to be hurt by this. I mean, I don’t want to lose him. How can I help myself? How can I make my relationship better?
Worried Woman
Dear Worried Woman,
Thank you so much for sharing such personal details. This is a difficult time. More so when the person you love takes you for granted.
I am glad that you found love, but love should be glad that it found you too. Your boyfriend owes you as much happiness and joy as you do towards him.
All of love, all forms of love, flirtations and sexual explorations can be categorised as kind, only if it comes with wholesome, complete and continuous consent.
It is clear that you do not consent to this. I hope it gets clearer by the day that your boyfriend is the one who is not being kind towards you.
It is not a good feeling to be used as a prop to entertain someone. You are not a prop. You are not a doll that dances to his tunes. You have a mind of your own, and you have a body of your own. I suggest that you do not give him any right over it.
Do stand up for yourself. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a mental health expert.
Hugs
RainbowMan
P.S. Let your life guide you to love that’s mutual and complete.
They say love is blind. They lie. Love sees, love understands and love respects.
'My Boyfriend Is Bisexual'
Dear RainbowMan,
I am from the community and you know me, I don’t want to reveal my identity so am writing from a pseudonym. I need to tell you this – I found out that my boyfriend is bisexual. We have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. We have been in a committed relationship, but we have never stopped ourselves from looking at videos that make us horny. However, we have never strayed or even thought of things like a threesome. Last evening when my boyfriend was working on his laptop he started masturbating. I was just waking up from my afternoon nap to this. When I looked closer, it was a picture of a woman showing off her breasts. I confronted him with the question directly. He said that he thinks he is bisexual. The backside of our story is that his parents want him to get married to a girl. He fought with them and has been open about his love for me to them. We are living together and his parents know about that. Now that he is bisexual, he would get the option of leaving me and going to a girl of his choice or a girl that his parents choose for him. I asked him – he jokingly said that he is getting married to a girl next month. He later hugged me and made love to me as he knew that it made me a little upset. I have the fear that he will leave me. What do I do?
Regards,
By The Way
Dear By The Way,
Thank you for writing in. I know love is full of compassion, passion and mental investment. It is a feeling we seek completely and not in parts. However, in relationships it’s also important to reflect on why we are feeling the way we are feeling. To put things in perspective, one should also look for science and facts.
Sexuality is a spectrum, and not a single point as one would imagine.
However, every individual can self asses where they belong in the scale of attraction. There are gay men who feel attraction towards women. Some gay men have also had sex with some women. They identify themselves as gay and not bisexual. There are also many heterosexual males who have had sex with men. They still identify as heterosexual and not bisexual. The inverse is also true. Men could get attracted to women and men and call themselves bisexual.
The point I am making is that what’s one’s sexuality and how one wishes to define it, is up to that person themselves.
Irrespective of how close your partner is to you, whether he is bisexual, or bisexual or gay is something that only he could define for himself.
Attraction is not in our control, to act on it definitely is.
Imagine this – as a gay man, it doesn’t mean that you don’t get attracted to other men. However, you could choose to not act on your dreams and stay committed to your partner. Similarly, a bisexual person may get attracted to another gender, but that doesn’t mean that he will get into a relationship with the other person. There is no default setting of that kind.
Being a bisexual person doesn’t imply he would cheat on you - It is a common misconception that bisexual persons face the brunt of.
He can still choose to be in a committed relationship with you.
What the dynamics of the relationship are, what the boundaries you draw is a consultative process. You should chat with your partner and decide on the same. However, do not let biphobia creep in your relationship.
Good luck. Much love.
Love,
RainbowMan
P.S. Love that’s true, will not need the label of a sexuality.
'My Boyfriend Has Coloured His Pubes'
Dear RainbowMan,
People are doing crazy things this lockdown. I have been separated with my boyfriend over this lockdown and we have been having phone sex and have been exchanging pictures. A few days back he told me he has a surprise for me and sent me a photograph of his penis surrounded by pubic hair that was purple in colour. I knew we were quirky and funny, but this is stupidity at another level. How can boredom take someone to colour it down there? I can’t imagine of having sex with someone who has purple pubes. How does one reconcile with something like that?
Regards,
Angry Young Woman
Dear Angry Young Woman,
Thank you for writing in.
I think this lockdown has made us explore our desires. Some that may seem incredibly exciting for some, may seem completely weird for another. It is important for you to communicate what you feel with your partner.
In the end each one of us should have complete control on our bodies. We cannot control what our loved ones do with their bodies, because their bodies don’t belong to us, but them.
However, sometimes we don’t need more political correctness in intimate relationships, we need more understanding, more conversation and more discussions about what is okay and what is not.
It is possible to be honest about what you feel, without body shaming your partner.
I know you are irate, but we can be kind when we are angry too.
Smiles
RainbowMan
P.S. Love is the answer.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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