'I Felt Violated': When Someone Masturbates at You in Public, Trauma Lingers On

"Even if they're not touching you or saying anything, non-consensual public masturbation is still assault."

Let's make it clear that while masturbation in itself may be a natural urge that shouldn’t be demonised, masturbating in public, in front of someone who is not consenting, is not about sexual pleasure.

(Photo: Vibhushita Singh/FIT)

Firstly, let's make one thing clear, while masturbation in itself may be a natural urge that shouldn’t be demonised, masturbating in public – in front of someone who is not consenting – is not about sexual pleasure.

In April, when a video of a man masturbating in the Delhi metro went viral, one might brush it aside, thinking – 'this happens all too often.' But, if you ask someone who has been a survivor of this type of sexual assault, they will tell you just how traumatic it can be.

Like Shreya.

My 19-year-old flatmate Shreya (name changed) had gone for a run in the park outside our housing complex like she did every evening. But this time, she burst into the house much sooner. Her eyes were wide and she looked rattled.

"A guy in the park jumped out of the bushes and started jerking off at me," she said shakily before bursting into tears.

This happened nearly six years ago. It was the first time she experienced something like this. The experience, she tells me now years later, scarred her forever in some ways.

Masturbation as a Tool of Sexual Assault

Yes, sexual assault. "Indecent exposure, public masturbation, they are all assault. Just because they are not touching you doesn't mean it's not assault," says Dr Ruksheda Syeda, a psychiatrist, and psychotherapist based in Mumbai, to FIT.

In fact, unsolicited masturbation does not stem from a different psychological motivation or intention than physical or verbal abuse.

"We minimise masturbation and exhibitionism just because it happens so often. But that doesn't mean its impact is any less. It may be commonplace but that is also because we let it be common place. "

Dr Ruksheda Syeda, psychotherapist

The perpetrator may do it for a number of reasons:

• It could be a form of aggression

• A way of asserting power

• To assert control through shame

"All of that is going to impact the victim," says Dr Syeda. "A person going through it will feel violated, threatened, and shame."

Shame and fear is exactly what Ayushi (name changed on request) felt when she experienced something similar outside the gate of her college campus.

"My friend and I were waiting for our auto to arrive when I noticed this random guy outside - maybe 100 feet away - was staring at us, and moving."

"At first, I didn't realise what was happening. Then it hit me what he was doing. It freaked us out so much that we walked back into the campus, and we didn't go out that day. For a while after that, I was scared to go outside and stand at the gate" she adds.

"What really took me aback was how he was able to look me in the eyes and do it with absolutely no hint of fear. And that's scary. It made me feel terrible about myself. I felt shame. And he didn't even have to touch me or say anything to make me feel that way."

Ayushi (Name changed)

And that's what makes this particular act so devious. Without saying a word or invading the person's personal space, the perpetrator makes the person feel unsafe, not only when they are experiencing it but also later.

It can range anywhere from being a bit startled to being traumatised for days, weeks, forever.

"If someone is doing something like this, it's a sexual assault on everyone in the area. Even if the perpetrator is looking at one person and doing it, all the people present there are being sexually assaulted."

Dr Ruksheda Syeda, psychotherapist

404: Accountability Not Found

"The thing that's different with this act is that it was the first time I realised that someone's stare at you can make you feel so dirty about your own body," says Ayushi.

After that incident, Shreya never went back to the park for a run.

"It completely shook me," she says. "Even though he didn't come towards me, I felt violated."

"For a while it got me thinking, was it the shorts I was wearing? Because as women, that is the first thing we think - 'did I bring it on myself?' 'Am I dressing too provocatively?' It took me a while to realise that it's none of that.

Ayushi (name changed)

This is often the thought process that people, especially women have when someone violates them, says Dr Syeda.

But such notions of 'she's asking for it' in a way legitimise or justify the perpetrator's behaviour.

Ayushi says it used to happen so often in front of her campus gate that eventually she just learnt to not look that way.

"Some of us learn to deal with such things. We have to. You start adjustments yourself and taking extra care. I learnt to walk with a male friend whenever I went out," she says.

However, Dr Syeda says, "When we get told is, don't look at this person, look away, we're taking away the burden of accountability from the person who is jerking off by giving him that supposed privacy."

In fact, the perpetrators themselves perhaps choose to masturbate instead of physically assault a victim as a calculated way to avoid accountability.

Overcoming Trauma Begins With Acknowledging It

Because acts like indecent exposure, unsolicited physical contact, staring are so common, they are often downplayed as 'not quite sexual assault'.

But, Dr Syeda says, the fact that it happens a lot shouldn't be a reason to normalise it.

"Never let people gaslight you into thinking your reaction to an act like this is out of proportion. If you don't even acknowledge that it was trauma, how do you even judge how big or small the trauma was?"

Dr Ruksheda Syeda, psychotherapist

Only then can you start processing it in a healthy way. You might also require professional help and therapy to do this depending on how traumatic the experience was for you, she adds.

At the same time, it's important we change the way we look at sexual assault. Consent is everything when discussing matters of sexual assault, and transferring the blame on to the victim only strengthens the grip of the trauma on them, while also enabling the perpetrators.